| Prisoners of Childhood |  | Author: Alice Miller
Publisher: Basic Books
Category: Book
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Rating:  17 reviews
Sales Rank: 709487
Media: Hardcover
Pages: 144
Number Of Items: 1
Shipping Weight (lbs): 0.7
Dimensions (in): 8.3 x 5.7 x 0.7
ISBN: 0465063470
EAN: 9780465063475
ASIN: 0465063470
Publication Date: April 1981
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Amazon.com Review
Today's responsible parents strive to raise children with healthy egos. But for a lot of adults, the word "ego" carries the negative connotation of "narcissism." Traditionally, the "good" child learned self-control, self-denial and placed parental needs and wishes first. If those needs were abusive to the child, there was no choice but to block the hurtful behavior in order to hold onto adults who were loved and needed. Miller recognized the link between certain emotional problems in adulthood and repressed childhood anguish. Her ideas in this pioneering study are a must-read for anyone seeking truth about the roots of suffering in childhood.
Product Description
The “drama” of the gifted—i.e., sensitive, alert—child consists of his recognition at a very early age of his parents’ needs and of his adaptation to those needs. In the process, he learns to repress rather than to acknowledge his own intense feelings because they are unacceptable to his parents. Although it will not always be possible to avoid these “ugly” feelings (anger, indignation, despair, jealousy, fear) in the future, they will split off, and the most vital part of the “true self” (a key phrase in Alice Miller’s works) will not be integrated into the personality. This leads to emotional insecurity and loss of self, which are revealed in depression or concealed behind a facade of grandiosity.Alice Miller defines the ideal state of genuine vitality, of free access to the true self and to authentic individual feelings that have their roots in childhood, as “healthy narcissism.” Narcissistic disturbances, on the other hand, represent for her solitary confinement of the true self within the prison of the false self. This is regarded less as an illness than as a tragedy.The examples Alice Miller presents make us aware of the child’s unarticulated suffering and of the tragedy of parents who are unavailable to their children—the same parents who, when they were children, were available to fill their parents’ needs. In her psychoanalytical work, Dr. Miller found that her patients’ ability to experience authentic feelings, especially feelings of sadness, had been for the most part destroyed; it was her task to help her patients try to regain that long-lost capacity for genuine feelings that is the source of natural vitality. Many people who have read her books have discovered within themselves for the first time in their lives the little child they once were. This may explain the unusually strong and deep reactions Alice Miller’s books have evoked in so many readers from different countries. The Drama of the Gifted Child and the Search for the True Self is the original title of the book, which was published in Germany.
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| Customer Reviews: Read 12 more reviews...
 Profound insights ... April 10, 2007
P. Miceli (Ontario, Canada)
3 out of 3 found this review helpful
Prisoners of Childhood: the Drama of the Gifted Child and the Search for the True Self (hardcover) is one of the earliest writings of Alice Miller available in English translation. Her insights are quite profound, and her perspective is unique in self-help, popular, and psychoanalytic works. She explores the psychological adaptations that children choose in order to preserve the love of their parents, which they so desperately need in order to survive. Indeed, she argues, the cost of such adaptations is the loss of the true self - the child, who clings to idea of parental love, loses the ability to know itself, its needs, its feelings and its desires. There is hope, however. When that child emerges from its first family into the world, the true self begins to assert itself - and these assertions manifest in the form of depression, and grandiosity (to name a few). This book inspires individuals to connect to their true self's assertions - and to use these messages, in a meaningful way, to inspire a true connection with itself. In all, her message is that the self does not die; it longs for a listening and attentive ear to discover and honor it.
 Frustrating But Extremely Valuable October 5, 2006
Walter Horn (Arlington, MA USA)
3 out of 3 found this review helpful
It is unsurprising that Alice Miller's Drama of the Gifted Child has met with a certain amount of hostility from both the psychiatry and psychotherapy establishments. After all, she frowns both on the use of drugs and cognitive-behavioral techniques as treatments for anxiety--especially in children. She even suggests that those who would use such remedies may have unaddressed psychological problems of their own. What's worse, she appeals to no empirical studies (double-blind or not) in reaching these conclusions; in fact, a reader might be reluctant to conclude from this book that Miller would even be capable of assessing the value of a careful scientific study of this or that anti-anxiety treatment. So, as I've indicated above, this book is often very frustrating. But Miller's work is also quite valuable, at least in my opinion. Like Freud's contemporary Wilhelm Stekel, Miller may not be a systematic theoretician, but her extensive clinical experience has provided her with several important insights that I believe may be useful, particularly to parents of anxious children.
I suppose it's fairly obvious by now that there can be many causes of anxiety. Legitimate dangers, sleep deprivation, repressed thoughts or desires, negative reinforcements coincident with pleasurable activities, isolation, and lots of other things can factor into fearfulness. Similarly, we now know that various drugs, meditation techniques, cognitive "re-learning," and gradual desensitization can all help combat these feelings, at least sometimes. It's often forgotten, though, that there are other, simpler techniques that people often use, knowingly or unknowingly, to calm themselves or others down. They may turn on the TV, take a walk, call a friend or even have some ice cream. Perhaps the most common palliative used by parents to allay their children's anxieties is one that comes very naturally. We hug them, sit them on our laps, tell them we love them to pieces, and so on. Most parents don't need to be taught these techniques: we come by them almost biologically. It is interesting to note, however, that this most basic of anti-anxiety medicines is, to a certain extent, inconsistent with all the others because it indicates complete acceptance of the sufferers' current condition. While desensitization, meditation and the rest suggest a certain level of dissatisfaction with the anxious individual, at least in his/her present state, the concentrated care provided by the simple comfort-giver is pure and unconditional. It says "I love you, and I'm fine with you no matter what." There's no rush to distract, improve matters, make things different. Furthermore, Miller suggests that many of those advocating other means to improved mental health are themselves frantic: in the case of stressed parents, it may be that their children are spooking them because they're unable to deal with their own unresolved anxieties. And this may be a result of the fact that their own parents didn't manage things quite right when they were kids.
While Miller's book isn't specifically a how-to book for parents, but rather a general primer on the importance of looking into one's own childhood for clues to one's current psychological make-up, I believe there are important lessons for parents here. Her position seems to imply that when a `gifted' (i.e. sensitive) child is frightened, perhaps won't go to school, is afraid of the dark, or can't be alone, rushing in with `cures' may just make things worse. The results of such attempted interventions will be familiar to many parents: "You know that you have to go to school." "But I can't go to school, my head hurts too much!" "What do you think is so horrible about school anyways?" "I don't know!" "Well, you must not be breathing correctly or you'd feel better." "I CAN'T!" Etc. Miller's work suggests the merits of an alternative approach: that of acceptance--not only of the child, but even of the condition itself. What she has noticed in her adult patients (and herself) is that where that sort of unconditional acceptance was lacking in childhood, the life of the grown-up is likely to have been difficult, or worse. A feeling of dissatisfaction, incompetance and unhappiness may have haunted the adult.
What will be amazing to some (and, surprisingly, what Miller doesn't really go into in her book) is how nicely this apparently basic lesson works for both kinds and their parents during the child-rearing years. A number of our friends, (some, like me, freaked out pseudo-therapists themselves) have discovered along with us that in many cases, if we will do no more than sit quietly with a troubled child, making no attempts to distract her, guide her meditations, help her breathe, convince her of the harmlessness of the feared item, or otherwise re-tool, within minutes, everything will be fine. Not only our children, but we too have to "let it be." If we can just look our kids in the eye, tell them how much we love them, and wait out these storms with them, we'll be amazed how unlikely they are to actually fall to pieces. In any event, Miller illustrates quite scarily that if we can't do this, we're failing in basic parenthood, and our children will suffer as adults. For what it's worth, this has been an important lesson for me. In spite of her anecdotal approach, I believe Alice Miller is on to something that not only will be helpful for many unhappy individuals, but that many parents desperately need to learn.
Beware October 29, 2005
M. Derby (Portland, OR USA)
19 out of 36 found this review helpful
If you are like me: if you have a LOT of emotional baggage, and have only begun to scratch the surface of the damage done to your fragile psyche in early childhood, please take seriously this warning.
Approach this book with extreme caution. It will change your life, and not necessarily for the better.
It's a poor analogy, but in a sense it is not too much of a distortion to compare this book to shock treatment. Yes, it has a dramatic effect. But the effect is not always beneficial. And the risks are great.
(For any in the mental-health profession who may be reading: yes, I am aware that "electroconvulsive therapy" is the euphemism currently in vogue. I believe ECT is a brutal means of social control, and a form of torture. But I digress.)
This book concerns issues you might want to approach in a more gradual manner. Consider testing the waters before you dive right in.
I was in the midst of a depressive episode (not an uncommon occurrence for me) when I began reading Prisoners of Childhood.
Immediately, Miller's ideas took me by the throat and shook, hard. I began, frantically, using a highlighter pen to mark passages which seemed particularly relevant to my life.
It may be worth noting that I am both a reader and an avid book collector, and under most circumstances, to mar the pages of a book in any way--but especially by scrawling on its pages--strikes me as an act akin to sacrilege.
By the time I put the book down, my pen was nearly out of ink, and a quick flip through the pages revealed huge swaths of yellow.
I was unable to finish reading the book. Despite the fact that I was regularly seeing a therapist--who was helping me to wrestle with many of the same themes raised by Miller's book--I feared that continuing to read Prisoners of Childhood was increasing my isolation, and pushing me further along the path I was already treading, one which leads to: suicide.
What I write is, for the most part, not intended to criticize Miller. Her ideas are brilliant. She is influential, and rightfully so.
But remember: she is not infallible. She herself is as human as the subjects described in her book.
The emotional support of my parents is important to me. That support is limited and conditional: something which the book helped me realize, though to a greater degree than I was ready to learn.
However, their support being one of very few available to me, I would be foolish to throw it away.
After I began reading the book, I felt I was becoming paranoid. Every word and action of my parents seemed malevolent.
Perhaps that is precisely the point. Perhaps Miller is trying to help someone like me come to understand that I would be better off cutting all ties with my parents.
That is a sacrifice I am not willing to make.
Now that I am in a better frame of mind, I hope I can make use of what I learned. To regard my family with more realism and less denial.
But I also understand, now, that my parents were desperately trying to save my life, and--at a crucial time--I was pushing them away.
I give Prisoners of Childhood four stars because it is revelatory in a dramatic and visceral way.
One star subtracted because Miller is a zealot. An opinion formed only partly due to the content of this book. More so because of public statements she has made, long after the book was written.
Good parents really do exist. Not everyone is a victim of early trauma. Some people are perfectly capable of remembering their lives at an early age. Despite our constant revision of memories--particularly in light of later knowledge and experience--many early childhood events are perfectly knowable: even without using intensive therapy to gain access to the memories. Not everyone who accuses their parents of terrible abuse should be believed immediately and without regard for the actual circumstances.
Having read some of Miller's recent opinions, I would guess that she would vehemently disagree with everything I wrote in the preceding paragraph.
Miller was a primary force in the birth of a now-pervasive ideology which asserts that ALL parents--deliberately or not--cause great injury to their children, recapitulating the worst aspects of their own upbringing.
In many ways, she is correct.
The problem is that it IS an ideology. And in the realm of ideologies, any dissent is treasonous.
Psychology is a science. To forbid dissent is to abandon science in favor of demanding unwavering acceptance of proclamations by an elite.
I am not saying my parents were perfect. Far from it.
But I do not believe I am better off without them.
Thankfully, I no longer believe they would be better off without me.
I would recommend NOT reading this book, unless you are quite certain of your emotional stability. This is equally true even if you are a well-educated member of Miller's field.
The core of much suffering August 8, 2005
Sylvie Routin (Uruguay, S.America)
8 out of 9 found this review helpful
A book which goes straight to the essence of much of today's suffering...narcisistic disturbances as not one amongst many disturbances, but the one underlying them all.It is a book for everyone, and most especially for young parents, as the newborn child makes us live again all our unresolved stuff. This book should be recommended as educational material as it enlightens parents to choose not to repeat their own stories with their children. Excellent.
A Wise & Perceptive Book About Children of Narcissistic Parents. July 27, 2005
Jana L. Perskie (New York, NY USA)
32 out of 32 found this review helpful
Alice Miller's "Prisoners Of Childhood; The Drama Of The Gifted Child," was originally published in 1981. A later revised and updated edition, "The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self" is now available with a new Foreward by Dr. Miller. I read this book over 20 years ago, and recently reread it. I find that it is just as relevant, wise and perceptive today as it was then. Dr. Miller was a practicing psychoanalyst, who gave up her work with patients to write books, for the layperson, primarily dealing with early childhood abuse. In her Forward, Miller continues to disavow psychoanalysis. Although I am not in agreement with her on this, she continues to be one of my heroes.
Dr. Miller, who writes an elegant and easily understandable prose, discusses here the issue of children raised by a narcissistic parent(s). She explains that this book is not about high I.Q. children, but about those who were able to survive an abusive childhood because they developed an adequate defense system. At a very early age the child intuitively apprehends the parent's needs. Since the parent, especially the mother, is the child's soul source of survival, the child strives to please, fearing disapproval, or abandonment. Thus, the child sublimates his needs for the parent's. Roles reverse and the child frequently takes on the parent's responsibility as emotional caregiver. This impedes the growth of a child's true identity, and a "loss of self" frequently occurs. The child adapts by not "feeling" his own needs, and develops finely tuned antennae, focusing intensely on the needs of the all important other. Ms. Miller writes, "An abused child, (emotionally), does not know it is being abused, and in order to survive and avoid the unbearable pain, the mind is provided with a remarkable mechanism, the 'gift' of 'repression,' which stores these experiences in a place outside of consciousness." Although, later in life, these "prohibited" feelings and needs cannot always be avoided, they remain split off and the most vital part of the true self is not integrated into the personality. The results are often depression, and tremendous insecurity.
Alice Miller makes her readers aware of the unexpressed sufferings of the child and the tragedy of the parent(s) own illness. As she frequently states, "any parent who abuses a child," knowingly or otherwise, "has himself been severely traumatized in his childhood, in some form or another."
Gifted children are often the products of emotional abuse by a narcissistic parent. However, if the child's great need for admiration is not met, for his/her looks, intelligence or achievements, he/she falls into severe depression. Miller says one can only be free from depression "when self-esteem is based on the authenticity of one's own feelings and not on the possession of certain qualities."
Children need a great deal of both emotional and physical support from the adult. According to Miller, this adult support must include the following elements in order for a child to develop to his or her full potential: "Respect for the child; respect for his rights; tolerance for his feelings; willingness to learn from his behavior."
Miller also writes about the "origins of grandiosity as a form of denial and its relationship with depression." Another interesting chapter deals with the "process of parental derision" and how it results in humiliation and possible psychic trauma of the child.
Alice Miller's extraordinary book, along with consistent psychoanalytic psychotherapy, enabled me to understand my past, modify behavior, forgive, and finally, best of all, to heal. I cannot recommend "Prisoners of Childhood: The Drama Of The Gifted Child" highly enough.
JANA
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